The Goonies (4K UHD / Blu-ray)
Two brothers mope around on a dreary autumn Saturday while their pals fail to notice their town's entire police force zipping around them in hot pursuit of a family of Italian criminals. The brothers' neighbor destroys their screen door and a loud boy in an Aloha shirt passes through a gauntlet of Rube Goldbergery before smashing the genitals of Michaelangelo's David. The son of a plumber combs his hair and entices the housekeeper by speaking Spanish. A parent scolds the collection of young men for being messy eaters and then leaves to buy more groceries for them to discard upon the living room floor. Another absentee parent has their belongings pillaged as a result of the lads' boredom and the well-dressed Loud Child smashes dusty decor. A thunderstorm brings storytime and pirates arrive in the Pacific Northwest. The brothers feud over the relevancy of parchment paper and yellowed newspaper clippings before complaining about rich golf enthusiasts who have come from over the hill to visit them. The brothers collide upon their family's porch and discuss class war and dating issues as toasters are mirrors and Loud Friend eats. When MTV happens, marbles are spun. Exercising is subverted and the Haircomber releases some air against the Hanging Man. Other brother neglects Mad Magazine in favor of geography while Screenbuster is a whiz. Loud Child slurps and Haircomber enjoys pornography before Brother in denim is saved from son of golf enthusiast by the Hanging Man. Haircomber and Loud Child sing the Lowenbreau jingle before stealing parchment paper and riding 30 miles down the Oregon Coast to visit their favorite seafood restaurant. The Italian family greets them there and serves up a round of liquid-like substance. Denim Brother meets a large Italian brother in the basement and debates the Hanging Man before a rake frightens their classmates. Maroon Gal and the Leader of Cheers scream while lightbulbs break. Everybody except the Italian family goes to hang out with Basement Brother but Loud Lad smashes something. Screen Buster wants to counterfiet some dough and Loud Lad munches frozen goods. The stunt coordinator died and the classmates preserve Loud Lad and Stunt Man before hiding from Italian family in their fireplace. Irrate Italian matriarch does not believe in earthquakes and slaps Singing Brother. The classmates instruct Loud Lad not to crawl in the dirt with them and he crawls in the dirt elsewhere before obstructing traffic. Singing Brother fetches him and states that he likes him before Bald Brother attempts to blend Loud Lad's arm. The classmates damage the plumbing of the golf and tennis enthusiasts, then complain about bats and bodies but not boulders. Irrate mother pulls a gun on Singing Brother and the Classmates bathe under Golf Son and his Hillside homies. Leader of Cheers disrobes into a bucket after Denim Brother lectures and Haircomber scrubs the tub for some bank before expressing concern about a falling bowling ball but not leeches. Screen Buster is not dead and somebody utilizes much rope in trail of him. Loud Lad shares junk food with Basement Brother before calling his friend, the Sheriff of Clatsop County. Basement Brother loses a large sum of meat in the fireplace and Loud Lad will reflect on this moment in the advent of cordless technology. The classmates urinate and kiss each other before hiding in the mens room from the Italian family who smelled their bubblegum. Screen Buster oils a mast over the corpse of a whale while Cyndi Lauper catches Pneumonia. The Leader of Cheers plays piano and everybody rides a waterslide instead of dreaming about professional wrestlers and the Bangles while rafting through bejeweled caverns. Meanwhile, Loud Lad further bonds with Basement Brother by howling and discussing his ugly friend Joey, who failed to join him on the extended errand at hand. Screen Buster then calms the ongoing feud between Maroon Gal and Haircomber by feeding his tape recorder to a beaked sea creature. The classmates touch everything while visiting a crew of corpses aboard an overly sturdy galleon. While examining the ship for rot, the classmates may or may not read inscriptions on floorboards before deciding to pay themselves for the task with stolen coins and jewelry. Irrate Mother instructs the classmates to not be rich, but instead drown within the well-lit interior of Haystack Rock. The Hanging Man and Leader of Cheers practice bondage while Captain Loud Lad ambushes the Italian Family with Super Basement Brother. Italian family converses with Eyeless Captain Corpse before enjoying the Rube Goldbergery destruction of the well-lit hollow Haystack. The classmates employ dynamite into their escape plan and Basement Brother strains his back because he and Loud Lad now love each other. Loud Lad screams as he is torn from the rocky womb and hoisted back upon a misty beach which is patrolled by the Director and the Producer of Ladyhawke. The classmates all become swaddled and are borne back into parental arms. The Italian family arrives and Loud Lad prevents their execution. Golf Enthusiasts arrive to diminsh the joy of working class families that no longer need to search for their missing children. The Spanish-speaking housekeeper discourages the father of Denim Brother and Hanging Man from bothering with paperwork and shares some jewels, not marbles. Mother of Denim Brother and Hanging Man can now afford to pay Housekeeper and to purchase more groceries which will be discarded upon the living room floor. Loud Lad informs Basement Brother that they are going to be roommates. The police do not believe the classmates' report of having visited the set of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, so the classmates join Basement Brother in yelling at a passing sea vessel.
Cast commentary with director and all seven actors
The Making of the Goonies documentary
Cyndi Lauper music video "The Goonies 'R Good Enough"